2019 Chevrolet Corvette C8 Press Release
2019 Chevrolet Corvette C8
There will likely be a few heart attacks due to the fact that Chevrolet has announced that the 2019 Chevrolet Corvette C8 will share many parts of the new mid-engine Corvette with the Chevy Volt.
Chevrolet and parent company GM wish to state the fact that like many other Americans, we thought Hilary was going to get elected at the time of R&D for the C8 Corvette. This caused us to go to the drawing board and whip up a design that would cause fewer “dumpster juice” smelling hippies to protest our vehicles. The Corvette, being a conservative icon would be the first to be ridiculed for its blatant display of capitalism. We already spent so much on that shitbox Volt trying to appease those snowflakes that we decided to dump that turd sandwich of a power plant into our icon car in order to save overhead costs.
Next thing you know, Trump wins and now he wants fuel standards to drop faster than polar bears. As a result, we talked with accounting and they stated: “you already wasted all funds on that shitbox Volt”. So, we are working on spinning this small displacement powertrain like Ford did with the EcoBoosted GT. Why, because “ƒUçK Ford”, that’s why! Their baby dong engine helped them win the Rolex 24-hour and that GT looks siiiiiiick! So we want to outdo those “sister sodomizing” mullets over there at Ford as we make the new Corvette better, somehow.
By cramming in four Volt power plants into each C8 Corvette, we can also cook the books to make it appear that the Chevy Volt is actually selling. This will give the Corvette a total of 600hp, which is still 47 fewer than Ford’s GT, but hey “ƒUçK Ford” amirite! We still have the ZL1 Camaro dammit and have you heard about the upcoming 2019 Camaro Crossover?